


If you know what I mean . . .

by Stella_Lost



Category: Lord of the Rings RPF
Genre: Euphemisms, Foul Language, M/M, inuendo
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-12
Updated: 2012-09-12
Packaged: 2017-11-14 02:08:03
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,286
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/510178
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Stella_Lost/pseuds/Stella_Lost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's just the guys having a little fun at Elijah's expense . . .again.</p>
            </blockquote>





	If you know what I mean . . .

**Author's Note:**

> Disclaimer: The individuals within this story belong to themselves and no one else. I have not profitted from this story nor do I dream of ever having any money, let alone from my writing.
> 
>    
> This fic was the very first first piece of fanfic I ever wrote and it took me another three years to try and write another one. It was originally posted in September 2008 on LJ under the now defunct journal of ilikeme33a, but in the interest of collecting all of my works together, I have decided to share it here.

“Wanker.”

 

“ ‘M not a wanker ‘Lijah, you are.” Dom replied lazily, You’re the _wichser_ and you know it.”

 

“Come on Dom, you’re always in your trailer beatin’ off and _everybody_ knows it. So you can just shut up.”

 

“Everybody does not know it, because it doesn’t happen. I have no need to take matters into my own hands, as it were. You are the one that is always dashing your doodle, Doodle!” Dom laughed, taking a bite of his sandwich. “Besides you were the one in Flipper.” He said around a mouthful of turkey and cheddar.

 

“Oh, that was _soooo_ weak Dom. Next you’re going to say that I spank the monkey. God, you are so unimaginative.” Elijah said with disgust. “Besides can’t you just let it go. You are alwa- . . .Wait, what about Flipper?”

 

“Well, I always figured you for a floggin’ the dolphin sort of chap.” Dom snorted as Elijah groaned.

 

“Hey guys,” Orlando flopped into the chair beside the American, “man, I can’t wait for this break to start. Can you imagine being in a movie that big?” He was referring to the impending trip that Peter had arranged for them to the _Star War’s_ set.

 

At this Dom laughed as Elijah rolled his enormous eyes.

 

“We _are_ in a movie that is going to be that big Orli.”

 

“Well we don’t know that yet ‘Lijah.” Orlando muttered, hurt by his friends dismissive reactions. “Oi, Dom, it wasn’t that funny.” He reached across the table in retaliation to steal some crisps from the still laughing man’s plate.

 

“Orli,” Dom started, still trying to compose himself, “I’m not laughing at you. Well, not like I usually do. I’m just trying to imagine Doodle here doing the Han Solo or. . .or. . .strangling Yoda.”

 

“Don’t listen to him Orli, he’s just a bastard who can’t let anything go.” Elijah groused upon seeing Orlando’s confused look. “Besides _you_ can quit imagining anything, you fucker.”

 

“No, seriously, Orli,” Dom wheezed, reaching across the table to liberate some grapes from his fellow hobbits’ plate. “We went to break earlier today because of some technical crap or another and Billy had to get his wig seen to. So I head over to ‘Lijah’s trailer to see if he wanted to hang out or somethin’. Well, he didn’t answer when I knocked, so I thought that I would pop in and pull a prank or somethin’. But . . .” Dom paused for effect before he continued in a mock stage whisper, “I wasn’t the one pulling anything if you catch me.”

 

“Damn it, Dom.” Elijah seethed, his cheeks flushing beneath his make-up.

 

Seeing the still befuddled look on the elf’s face, Dom continued, “ You see Orli, our little Frodo here was getting his palm read by Mister Handy, you know, summoning the genie, piloting the cockpit, dancing with Johnny One-eye, crowning his cockle-dood-”

 

“Okay, Dom!” Elijah cried. “Dammit! He’s not stupid, he gets it already.”

 

“Yeah, Dom, I get it, “ Orlando started calmly, “That’s why I never have to give it the ‘ol one-gun salute.” He finished with a laugh, snagging a pickle spear from Elijah’s plate.

 

“Christ, not you too! This shit is getting real old.”

 

“Relax ‘Lij,” Orlando replied, gesturing with the half-eaten pickle. “We won’t tell anyone about you jerkin’ your gherkin.”

 

“Gherkin!” Dom lost it again, nearly unable to contain his glee at the expense of one Elijah Wood. With teary eyes he gasped, “You’re right Monkey, it is getting really old. So old you should go iron out some wrinkles!” At this, he buried his head on his arms, completely overcome with laughter.

 

Billy spied his three friends as he queued up to get his food. After selecting a sandwich and an apple he arrived at the table to see two gleeful faces and one glowering one, turn to his greeting. 

 

“What’s up with you all then? What did I miss?” He asked slipping into the vacant chair on Dom’s left before taking a healthy bite of his sandwich.

 

“Nothing.” Elijah muttered sullenly, crossing his arms over his chest. “These two are just being pricks.”

 

“Pricks!” Orlando laughed. “Careful there, Dom. He’ll be coming after us next.” 

Dom slid to the floor, howling with laughter.

 

“Nah,” came the slightly muffled, detached voice from beneath the table. “He only plays tug o’ war with cyclops, not with a prick with two eyes.”

 

“Damn it Dom, I wasn’t playing pocket pool. I was merely adjusting myself. These pants have a tendency to bunch, you know. Besides, even if I was pounding the bald-headed moose as you so nicely put it earlier, you can’t tell me you never do it.” Elijah said rather venomously, kicking under the table trying to connect his foot with the hobbit ensconced there.

 

Billy, now surmising the reason for the redness in all three faces, decided to try and make peace.

 

“ Ah, I think I get it. Doodle, did one of these two interrupt something earlier? Orlando?” Billy said, eyeing the elf, “Did you catch “Lij in a rather compromising position? A date with Rosey Palm and her five sisters, perhaps?” Seeing Orli shake his head in the negative, he continued, “Dominic, would you care to join us up here please? Did you see someone freeing Willy today?”

 

Dom’s Merry wig, curls still vibrating with laughter rose from under the edge of the table. “Billy, I couldn’t. . .he was. . .he was. . .” Trying to catch his breath, he had to stop, close his eyes and suck in as much oxygen as possible before he continued. “Billy, he was teasing the weasel. Frodo here, was giving himself a low-five for a job well done. Right inside the trailer door, didn’t even have the decency to use the loo, What was I supposed to. . .”

 

“Dom,” Elijah sighed, “It’s my trailer. I can do what I want there.”

 

“Actually Dom, he’s right. . .” Billy started.

 

“Thank you, Billy.” Elijah interrupted gratefully.

 

“Yeah, Dom, If Elwood wants to hold auditions for finger puppets in his trailer, ‘tis his right.” Billy finished with a smirk.

 

“Fuck! Not you too!” Elijah nearly howled with exasperation. “You are all jerk offs. You cannot tell me that none of you beat off. Sure, Orli, you have Viggo. . . _now_ , but before you did, you tossed on a regular basis, you had to. And you two,” Elijah spun to glare at his fellow hobbits across the table, “I happen to know that neither of you are seeing anyone, so I’m guessing that you both . . . burp the baby quite often.”

 

The three others watched Elijah carefully to see if he was done with his diatribe, each struggling to keep the mirth from showing on their faces. An uneasy silence befell the table.

 

Orlando rose gracefully, placing a hand on the American’s shoulder. “Sorry, dude, we were just kidding around.” They all saw Viggo and Bean entering the canteen right then. “Well, my man cometh. . .later.” Laughing at his own double entendre, he left with a wink and a wave.

 

“Merry and Pippin, 5 minutes to set please.” Called one of the countless PA’s.

 

“Yeah, sorry mate. It was all in jest, you know.” Dom said picking up his and Billy’s trays. “But I don’t have the need to keep down the census, as it were, like you do, because you see. . .” He stopped turning pink.

 

“You see, Elijah, what Dom is trying to say is that he doesn’t have to shake hands with the unemployed, because his is very much employed.” Billy said with a wink. “In fact, he might get a raise tonight, if you know what I mean.” With that, he turned, slung an arm around Dom’s shoulders and they walked away from the gaping young hobbit.

**Author's Note:**

>  _Wichser_ I've been told, is a figurative (and I guess, literal) way to say “wanker” in German.


End file.
